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SEARCH TO-DO LIST
THINGS TO DO BEFORE SEARCHING:
Contents
Register With Texas Reunion Registry
Expectations, and DO's/DON'T's of Search
Obtain Non-ID
Obtain your non-id. This is VERY important and useful information. You can do this by contacting the agency which handled your adoption. Call and ask to speak to a post-adoption counselor and ask what the procedure is for obtaining your non-id. Most times they will mail you out some paper-work to fill out and be returned to them. Sometimes, they require payment for this information, but it is a minimal fee and well worth it.
If you do not know the court that granted your adoption and you are an adoptee born in Texas or the child's adoptive parents, please mail a written request to the address below requesting the court information. Please include the following information with your request:
Texas Department of Health
Bureau of Vital Statistics
P.O. Box 12040
Austin, TX 78711-2040
The request will take approximately four weeks.
International Soundex Reunion Registry, is the largest free (donations accepted but not required). If you apply to any registry you must apply to ISRR. To get a registration form for ISRR send a SASE to:
ISRR
PO Box 2312
Carson City, NV 89702
REGISTER WITH TEXAS REUNION REGISTRY
An Adoption Search is not easy. In fact, it is probably the most difficult and time consuming project you will take on, unless you hire a searcher. Either way, if you get organized from the start, your life will be much easier. Keep a binder or folder with all of your information inside it. Keep a record of where you have registered, contact you have had with the agency that handled your adoption, and all of the various methods you have tried (and the result of each) to locate your birth family. This will make your life much easier in the long run and prevent you from re-inventing the wheel by repeating steps. Also, in the event that you eventually hire a searcher, it will possibly help speed the process to your reunion.
EXPECTATIONS - DO's/DON'T's OF SEARCH
DO take your time when deciding to search, think about it long and hard before starting.
DO evaluate what you expect to gain from your search. Make sure that your expectations are reasonable or you may be disappointed, or disappoint the person you are seeking.
DO find someone you can talk to who understands where you are coming from. If you are an adoptee, talk to another adoptee. If you are a birth parent, talk to another birth parent. It is not only helpful, but an immense source of comfort as well.
DO try to have some empathy for the person you are searching for. Note that I said empathy and not sympathy. This is VERY important and can actually make or break your search.
DO begin a letter to the person you are searching for once you have decided to search. This will not only help you figure out what you want to say, but also serve as an outlet for your frustrations, excitements, successes, etc. You might even consider keeping a journal to share with your loved one once you are reunited.
DO put together a photo album to share with the person you are seeking. I assure you that they will LOVE it!
DO share your search with your family, if you can. Most of the time, they will be supportive and even helpful in your quest. Also, it keeps them from feeling left out and/or unwanted and lets them know that you love them, but need to know more about yourself, which is why you are searching.
DO realize that in some cases the person you are seeking may not want a reunion. In that case, you should have a list of questions (medical, genealogical, etc.) that you should ask them if they would answer for you even though they want no contact.
DO realize that the person you are searching for may not have been searching themselves. This does not mean that they have not thought of you or did not want to search, but may have felt (for whatever reason) that they could not search. In that spirit, remember that once you find them, it may take them some time to deal with all of the emotions that come with it and they may need some time to let is all absorb. Remember, relationships are not made in one day!
DO start to think about what method you would like to use when making contact once the person is found. There are several ways to go about this. My least favorite, and I highly recommend that you NOT do this: Is show up on their doorstep. My most favorite is a phone call from a third party or a letter. The reason for this is that it gives them a bit of space to react, think and absorb the information. A letter is also wonderful for several reasons: They cannot hang up on a letter; It contains your contact information so that they always have it; They will most likely read it several times; You can think about what you want to say while not 'on the spot'; It allows them to reciprocate in their own time once they have dealt with all the issues that come with a search; etc. No matter what method you choose, I highly recommend following up with a letter.
DO research adoption laws in your state. Know what the statute says and know what you have access to, etc. Most states have their statutes online, and can be located via one of the search engines.
DON'T post (in the newspaper or on the Internet) identifying information about the person you are searching for. What if they have not discussed your existence with anyone? What if someone sees it that is opposed to a reunion and keeps the information from them? What if someone, with not so honorable intentions, sees the information and uses it for personal gain? Too much can go wrong and little is to be gained from this method. I know this from my own experience. When I searched for my birth mother, I took out an ad in the Dallas Morning News. Her sister-in-law saw it, did not know of my existence and used the information in a mean spirit. Luckily my birth mother still wanted the reunion, but did tell me that she did not like how I went about it. I have seen MUCH worse happen to others using such methods. So, PLEASE think before you act.
DON'T post vital and/or confidential information. I realize this is in conjunction with the above, but I feel so strongly. Think of it this way: Would you like your name, DOB and possibly SSN posted all over the Internet? THINK about what can be done with such information. The results could be devastating.
DON'T expect others to do your search for you for free. Although there are MANY kind folks out there who are willing to give some help, etc. that should be accepted as a kindness and expected. Although the adoption laws stink, by not allowing you information about yourself and birth family, it is not the fault of anyone other than the government. An entitlement mentality is NOT attractive and can be quite annoying if you keep on asking/expecting free help.
DON'T let your search take over your entire life. Believe me, I know how easily that can happen, but it is not healthy and can be destructive. Take it a little at a time. When you feel overwhelmed, put your things away and come back to it another day. You've waited this long, you can wait another day.
DON'T try to search for a minor. Not only is that illegal, and no reputable searcher will help you with it, it can be destructive to the minor child. (S)he has a family life, is in the middle of forming his/her personality, thoughts, ideas and identity. A search, at this point, could be detrimental to them in many ways. Unless it is a medical emergency, this is a rotten idea.
