FAMILY HISTORY

MY SEARCH FOR MY BIRTHMOTHER

In 1992 I began to again fixate on the idea of locating my birthmother. I called Catholic Charities and discussed with a Post Adoption Counselor how a reunion could be accomplished. The Post Adoption Counselor sent me four pages of non-identifying information about both my birth mother and birth father. From that information, a lot of begging for bits and pieces from the caseworker and hard work I was able to locate my birthmother. I had no access to the Internet at that time.... And had to do all the legwork myself. I wrote letters and searched for each and every piece of information I could gather. It was a very involved & tedious process.

Finally, the day came...I was going to meet HER!

Margaret, my birthmother is a very nice person.... A schoolteacher. She & I have a lot of the same interests, excelled in the same things and had many of the same physical features. I also have three half brothers as well. Fortunately, they took the 'news' well, as did most of her family, including her husband. Our reunion was nice but not highly emotional, at least outwardly, and friendly. There were and still are no indications of a mother/daughter type relationship. Of course that is highly common, but at the time I didn't know that and was pretty disappointed. I didn't truly know what I expected. I wish then that I had talked to someone who had been there and would not sugarcoat the experience. Possibly my expectations would have been more realistic, and I would not have been quite as disappointed. All in all though, we have become friends.

Since that first meeting, Margaret and I have seen each other several times. We keep in touch with letters and phone calls, though not on a regular basis. It is here that I would like to point out that ANY member of the triad who is searching must prepare themselves for any possible outcome. Reunions are a long process and can be a lot of work. Realistic goals should be set. Moving too fast can have disastrous potential. Although Margaret and I have had some issues to deal with, we have worked at it and things are progressing suitably for both of us. I am happy to say that in the last few months, we have made MAJOR progress! I feel closer to her now than ever before.

After four years, Margaret told me who my birth father was. After receiving that information I did not act on it right away. I was pregnant with my third daughter, Lauren, and did not want any emotional disruption in my life. I was scared of the thought of a reunion with my birth father...scared of what he would say or do...or lack thereof. For another year, I would hold this information and not do a thing with it.

MY SEARCH FOR MY BIRTHFATHER

After giving birth to Lauren, I was obviously very busy. I had three little children, a husband, a job, etc. and again, things were on hold. In Feb. 1997 I quit my full time job to work at home. I bought a new computer and got an account for the Internet. Still, though, I did nothing with the information I had.

One afternoon in August 1997 I came across my notes on my birth father. I decided to see if I could find out anything. I was not, I thought, going to obsess about this as I did with Margaret. I had learned my lesson...and was not too excited about any form of rejection or disappointment, whether great or small. However, I posted a message to a few of my friends that I figured could help me out...gave them his information (all I had was a name and possible DOB) Two hours later, I had his name (Claude), REAL DOB, address, telephone number, credit history, vehicle information etc. I was dumbfounded...now WHAT was I going to do with the information I had???

What happened subsequently is something I will have to write about at another time, as it is too upsetting at this point. Initially it appeared that we would reunite successfully, however after about 2 years into the relationship it ended on a very final and sour note. Suffice it to say that my father ("Buck") is married to a woman named Carol whose goal in life is to keep him away from his children....all four of us and it's working.

MY SEARCH FOR MY BIRTHSISTER

I had a lot more information on Suzie than I did my birth parents, but still, females are harder to find than males, especially when you have no idea of a Surname. Every so often I would look around for information on Suzie, but never could find a thing. I searched for her, her mother, and her adoptive father, all to no avail. At that time, I was working for Professional Investigations, Inc. and had access to lots more information, but still, I couldn't find her. Enter Mr. Alan Sheffield, my former boss & friend.

One afternoon, after searching for Suzie, I had had it. I couldn't find her...I knew the reason...I was too close personally to the situation. I needed objectivity...I needed Alan's help. I called him, gave him the scoop and by the day's end we had some possibilities.

On Monday he sent out four or five letters to 'possibles'. On Saturday Alan called me and said: "Guess who I just talked to?" "Who?" I asked. "Suzie" replied Alan. Well there I was, a house full of people, wondering who in the hell Suzie was!! I still cannot believe I chose to draw a blank then and there, but I did! It was funny I guess, but I think Alan secretly thought I had lost my mind for good. After a few seconds it hit me....OH!!!! I got Suzie's number from Alan and called her.

Her mother had known the information but wasn't about to help her and Suzie had no idea how to go about finding him. The next day, Sunday, we all met at Buck's house. Suzie, her husband and her three children were all there.

MY ADOPTIVE FAMILY

Finally, I would like to pay tribute to my adoptive parents, Everett and Dorothy Adams. I have not always considered myself lucky. I often, as a teenager, felt sorry for myself because I was placed for adoption...rejected...tossed away. Even after reaching adulthood, I truly didn't 'get it'. It was not until I met my entire birth family that I truly began to comprehend and realize what a wonderful life I had.

Adoption is bittersweet for the birth parents, adoptive parents and Adoptee. Regarding the adoptive family: Although they are finally getting the child they longed for, my parents did realize that my birth mother, at least, had to go through hell to go through a pregnancy, birth and then give me up. My parents always said things to me like "You were special, we picked you" or something my mother told me often "I love you so much, I would go through fire for you". Honestly, I thought she was nuts. WHO, in their right mind, would go through fire for anyone? Well, now I know who.....a mother.

It was my parents who put up with my crap as I grew up, who showed up at every event that I ever had, who supported me no matter what...even when I, myself, became pregnant at 17. It is my parents who changed my diapers, dealt with me being in a cast from the waist down for 6 months when I was a baby. They were there when I broke my arm, when I graduated from high school, when I got married, and then divorced. It was my parents who loved me, always and unconditionally. Oh, sure, we went through difficult times where I thought they were possibly the dumbest people on this Earth. Funny thing happened though, the older I got the smarter they got! How DID they do that? :-)

It was my parents who supported me, even before I was an adult, when I wanted to find my birth parents. It was my parents who loved me enough to sign releases to the agency before I was 18 so that they would release information to me. It was mom and dad who were there the day I finally found Margaret and then later Claude. I can literally tell them just about anything and they always try to understand and empathize. My parents are the kind of people who, when I went through a very angry phase regarding my birth mother, after I met her....that said: Marla, you have to understand how hard it must have been for her. What would you have done when you got pregnant with Katie and we abandoned you? That really made me think. Sure, I could have 'made it', but that is all. There would have been minimum wage jobs, welfare and living in the poverty zone. However, to my parent's credit, I instead got to finish high school and go on to college....AND keep my daughter. My point is that my parents have compassion not only for me, but my birth family as well. They actually encouraged me to work through my issues and have empathy myself for my birth parents. They have encouraged me to keep contact alive with my birth mother. My parents often ask: Have you talked to Margaret lately?

I still think one of the most ironic moments of my life was when I got divorced and moved back home to live with my parents for a while. One day Margaret called my mom and there sat my two mothers (one who gave me life and the other who taught me how to live it) discussing me, and their concern for me. At first, it seemed kind of strange and then wonderful. My adoptive mother was sitting there having a full-blown conversation with my birth mother like they were old friends!

SO, thank you mom and dad for all that you have done and been. I love you so much and don't know what I would do without you. I owe you my life. It takes a special couple to adopt a child, be completely honest with them regarding their adoption, support their finding their birth parents and never once try to discourage me from doing what probably hurt them to a degree, but was best for me in the long run. Only a loving parent can put their child's needs above their own. I know some biological parents who don't do that!

This web site and everything in it, is dedicated to my parents. I can only hope and strive to become the kind of people that you are. It is my goal to do that. I know I don't always tell you these things and perhaps I should. I want you to know how much I love and respect you and always will! Thank you for being my parents'.... I am truly blessed.

Your daughter,

Marla