Cats are very fortunate individuals. The foremost reason for this is, I suppose, the fact that we are at the zenith of biological evolution. I got those words from Meowmie. What they mean is that we're the best thing that ever happened to planet Earth.

Which is really very true! All Cats know that!

But there are also many other things that make us the delightful creatures that we are. We always get our own way -- one way or another! If cuddling up and being "awww... so cute!" doesn't work, we can always go ahead and do those things anyway, because they can't stop us. We are, after all, Cats. And when we finish whatever we wanted to do, we can always get away with it, because the humans will just say, "Cats are like that!" What they don't know is that they've been very carefully trained by the earliest Cats to think like that. Which is why they call "tolerate" but is actually "obey" us.

Another good thing about being Cat is that we can sleep all day, play all we want, and we don't have to do anything! The silly humans have to (uggh) work, and we don't, but we get lots of love, our own way, and practically whatever we want. If a human slept all day do you think his meowmie or paw would allow that? Nooo. Would anything ever good happen to him? Nooo. Not like us, who can sleep and play all we want -- we can also eat what we want! Aren't we Great?

Aside from that, we have all the great talents Meowmie Nature has given us. And most importantly, there's the innate superiority which is at the core of every Cat's being, along with Love and Joy. Which is why the mission of all Felinity is to overrun the world with Love and Joy and submission to all that is Cat. Then, we'll have a very nice world.

Human beans are crazy. Every self-respecting Cat knows that. Oh, yes, they're really very very loving, and I do love my meowmie, but it doesn't change the fact that they're quite crazy... if not crazy, very very silly.

Take Meowmie Violet for example. She takes baths every day. She says it's to keep clean. Why doesn't she just lick herself clean? That way she won't get (shudder) wet. And in the shower room lives the awful water monster, who will eat her up! Doesn't she know that? Whenever I or Cream meow and scratch at the bathroom door to get her out of there and save her life, she just gets mad at us! We're trying to help her, and she screams. Humans. Meowmie's more tolerant and enlightened than most, but still!

Another weird thing about humans is that they don't see all the little creepy monsters lurking in all sorts of places -- boxes, closets, clothes, beds, blankets, papers, everything with strings and moving little things. The little creepy monsters move and try to eat everything up. Of course, since Cats are very intelligent, we attack them and try to kill them. The weird crazy humans will either get mad at us when we do this, or laugh at us. They're so silly. And so stupid.

Humans also like to pick Cats up and dress them up, and play with them, and stuff. Are they crazy? Are they mad? A Cat is not a toy. It's a Cat is a Cat is a Cat.

Humans are really strange. They've got all those little habits, like watching that box with a lot of things in it, or doing things with their hands, or making all those weird little things but not letting us onto them. They're really really silly. And they, though they developed English, can't use it properly. Even though it's not at the start of a sentence, Cat is Cat with a capital C, not a small C. See? See? They're crazy!

Some humans, crazier than most, keep d*gs. What would they want with d*gs when there are such blessed beings as Cats? D*gs, in my opinion, are just lumps of slobbering mouths and stomachs. I mean, if hey were so smart, why do they obey what humans say? Really!

One thing human beans are good for is opening the Fridge, and cans of tuna and treats and stuff like that. They're also really good for cuddling. Try it sometime.

If you know Meowmie, she has probably told you about the Map. The dreadful, dreadful Map. Meowmie's probably told you that I, in a fit of sheer Felinity, tore her project to pieces the day before the deadline.

Meowmie is, as usual, wrong. I did tear the Map up, but not because of my playfulness or anything like that. It was a Monster Map. Believe me. Cats know about these things.

It started ordinarily enough. Meowmie had started on one of her horrendous projects (how can human beans work so much?) and had shut the door to her room, not letting us in because she thought we'd play with her project. Meowmie's remarkably perceptive sometimes.

I, wanting to cuddle with Meowmie, peeked in the window. Meowmie was using very derogatory language to refer to the environmental / ecological map of their place she was making... but she wasn't cursing. Meowmie never curses. She was mad at the map, that's all. Maybe that's why she's really grumpy sometimes. She's doing a project.

After a while (finally, I thought) Meowmie screamed in frustration and stalked out of her room in search of something to eat. Actually, she worked longer than I thought she would. I'd been wondering when she'd snap.

Meowmie'd left the door of her room open, so I sneaked in and looked at the map. It was a nice map, really -- a pretty picture with lots of green and red and blue. I sat on Meowmie's bed looking at it for a few minutes, when suddenly, horror of horrors, it began to laugh.

It was alive! The jagged red part was its mouth, and the weird blue things its eyes. There were three of them (the eyes, that is).

It was alive. It was a monster map! And it was laughing! Laughing!

A booming, evil laugh that quite plainly said "I'll eat you up".

I yowled and launched myself at the map. Peaches, seeing what I was doing, decided to join in the fun too. It was a splendid fight.

Pretty soon, Peaches & I sauntered out of the room. There was a big hole where the mouth had been, and the eyes had been ripped off. For good measure, we chewed the corners off too and tore some parts of it. We were really very proud of ourselves.

So Meowmie's reaction to the state the monster map was in was a total surprise.

When Meowmie came back to her room after eating, she took one look at the map and began to scream. "AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Then "Cream! Peaches! If I catch you I'm going to sell you to the Chinese to make into dumplings! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"

Peaches and I looked at each other. What had we done? We'd killed a dreadful monster, and Meowmie gets mad at us?

However, we saw Meowmie's eyes blazing and smoke coming out of her nostrils and heard her angry "GRRRRRRR", so we prudently decided not to argue with her and just stay under a bed for the rest of the day.