Here she is explaining how labels describe anything and everything and how you interpret a label. These come in many forms, labels on food, clothing, cars, even people have labels with nicknames. People get impressions based on labels. Basically, leading up to people labels here and why she decided that putting negative labels on people can give others or the person with the label an identifiable characteristic. I had a nickname growing up, it definitely doesn’t apply today. All my friends called me by this name, “toothpick”. It really didn’t bother me, let’s admit it, it’s not such a bad name is it. Anyway, when they called me by that name to someone who didn’t know me what was that person mental image of me? Skinny? Bingo. So, in other words, we shouldn’t label our kids with negative words such as “difficult”.

Now, at this point in the book, I was a little skeptical. I’m thinking to myself and a few others. If this is how she thinks were gonna fix the problem well is she wrong. Next time I’m angry with Megan and she is being downright stubborn am I suppose to say “Gosh Megan, why do you have to be so assertive?”? Have you ever talked to another mother and she describes her child as being analytical, selective and opinionated? And you think to yourself in other words, you have a child that is whiny, picky and argumentative, just face it. As the author states, “Don’t let others intimidate you with hurtful labels. Teach them to use words that reflect your child’s potential by using them yourself. When you drop the negative images and introduce to yourself and others the new words and labels that focus on strengths and potential instead of weaknesses, you change not only your vocabulary but your perceptions and, as a result, your actions as well.” If I keep reading I will find more information to help me make this leap. Below I have listed a few of the negative labels with positive ones.

Rate your child from a 1 to a 5, 1 being mild 5 being intense.

1. Intensity

"squeaks when cries" "never just cries, wails"

"It's almost a surprise when gets upset" "a living staircase of emotion up one minute, down the next"

"reactions are mild" "ever reaction is powerful"

"usually works through problem without becoming frustrated" "easily frustrated"

2. Persistence

“Can be redirected to participate in another activity quite easily" “sticks to guns, doesn’t easily let go of an idea or activity"

"will cry for a few minutes and then stops" "locks in, can cry for hours"

"accepts "no" for an answer" "never takes "no" for an answer"

3. Sensitivity

“sleeps through noisy routines” “has to have quiet to sleep”

“isn’t affected by scratchy textures" “has to have a sock seam lined up just so"

“isn’t bothered by funny smells” “gags easily from smells”

“eats anything” “a picky eater”

“unaware of your stress” “acts your stress out”

“not overly concerned with how things feel" “strong reaction to how things feel-whether pleasant or not"

4. Perceptiveness

“stays on task, isn’t watching birds outside the window" “notices things most people miss"

"walks past the rainbow that is reflected in the new old spill" "spends five minutes watching the light in the new oil spill"

"can remember and complete multiple directions easily" "forgets multiple directions"

5. Adaptability

“easily stops one activity and starts another" “cries or fusses when one activity ends and another begins"

"is flexible with mealtimes and nap times" "needs a set schedule for meals and naps"

“is not upset by surprises” “may be very upset by surprises”

6. Regularity

“falls asleep at the same time almost every day" “never falls asleep at the same time"

“is hungry at regular intervals” “is hungry at different times”

“eliminates on a reg. Schedule” “eliminates on an irregular sched”

7. Energy

“stays in one place when sleeping” “moves all over when sleeping”

“sits and plays quietly for extended periods of time" “always on the move: even when sitting, is moving in place"

8. First Reaction

“doesn’t hesitate in new situations” “holds back before participating”

“seems to learn by doing” “learns by watching”

“open to new activities” “is distressed by new activities”

“usually complies with a new request with little fuss" “immediately says no when you ask him/her to do something"

9. Mood

“usually in a good mood” “usually serious”

“positive” “sees the flaws, what needs to be fixed”

Now go back through each of the traits and total your responses.

Score:

9-18 = Cool Kid

19-28 = Spunky Kid

29-45 = Spirited Kid

Now about parent and child fitting together. If your child is spirited based on the score of the traits the first thing the author suggests you do is to let go of your “dream” child. Quit trying to make your child fit the description of what you had in mind that your child was gonna be when you had him/her. Move on to focusing on how to understand your child’s reactions. First by knowing your own. Go back through the traits and rate yourself. Create a “self-potrait”.

Score:

9-18 : Cool Parent

19-28 : Spunky Parent

29-45 : Spirited Parent

If some of the traits are the same between you and your child, you might be able to help your child understand his/her own. If they are different that could be the reasons you clash. Understanding the differences can allow you to respect each other’s needs. In the next part of the book she will explain how to “work with spirit”. She adds, “(By the way, if you checked a 4 or 5 on first reaction, you can expect it to take more effort for you to make changes in your relationship with your child. That’s your style.)” I’m not sure about you, but, the more I read the more I am looking forward to finding out how to do this now that we’ve established our child’s traits and our own.

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